Saturday, October 4, 2008
Preface Life has never been perfect for me. If life was so perfect, everything would be meaningless. But if your life was as imperfect as mine, do not fear, my life is worse then yours. I would survive no matter what, with the love from my mother and my close friends, I would not fear anything, I would go through life till the day I die.
Chapter 1 - Fears I looked out the glass window with rusted frames, it reflected my imperfect image. Out the window were a few children playing energetically. I asked myself "why am I like that?" and rolled away my handicap chair to where breakfast was placed.
My family and I live off the streets of Hungary, where most of the poor people lived.
The playground was constructed by a kind man who dropped by Hungary just a few years ago. He was one of the richest men in India - how I envy such a soul, if only I had the money to...”
I frowned painfully as I proceeded to the pathetically small living room that had cracked walls and filthy furniture. My wound was yet again infected. I thus had to treat the wound using herbs from leaves. Due to the fact that my family is poor, we couldn’t afford medical treatment, thus the infections worsen.
The glaring sun penetrated to the translucent curtains that lay next to the miniature radio that we got as a gift from the kind man from India. It burnt the wounds on my face --- when my dad’s in a bad mood, he beats me --- and thus, causing me to squeak in pain. My mum, now currently half-paralyzed, --- my dad was the cause of it, he pushed her down the staircase ---- has now added to my burden. But it’s worth it, for the one I love; my cruel dad was the cause of it.
When I draw the curtains aside to enter her room, --- we are too poor to have doors --- I see her sympathetic eyes pleading me to save her from her weary. Whenever I enter the room, tears adds a layer to my moist pupil in my eyes, hence having bits of tears dripping down my scarred face. “Tess…Tess. I’m....” before she could say anything, I put my dried finger on her pale lips and said “don’t worry mama, we would survive this. With the love from each of our friends and the love that ever surrounds us, we would survive. We would. Don’t worry mama, just sleep alright.” I consoled her and smiled till she closed her eyes after several blinks.
I wiped my tears aside and went out of the room. Just then, my dad returned home. He was yet again with 2 bottles of bear and of course, he was drunk. “Where’s that scumbag! Come out now! Where! Where!” he shouted at the top of his voice, his angry frowns on his face were terrifying. Bits of sweat surrounded his forehead. There was mucus underneath his nostrils, mixed with sweat which was absorbed by his moustache. He has yet again had another fight with someone and thus, is an obvious defeat.
“No! Dad!” he pushes me away and crashes the bottles. He then uses the glass chips and throws it at me. The handicap chair overturned and thus, I felt helpless. “YOU! YOU! It’s all because of YOU! YOU!” he points are my mum “and YOU too! Fancy sitting at home doing nothing! YOU make me spend money on your pathetic medical solutions! YOU! You should be a prostitute! Make money for the family and serve me! YOU! Stupid!” He slams the front gate and got out.
I was petrified; he was always asking me to sell my body. I’m so frighten. I don’t want to betray my soul, it is sinful; undignified. Why do I have such a father-- a father who wants to sell his daughter’s body in order to earn money? I'm so afraid, i cry all night, even in my dreams. I wake up a weary of the world everyday, everyday, there would be a different scenario. I fear that if one day i would ever woke up beside a stranger. This fear is indescribable. This is my life.
Chapter 2I shuffled through the broken glasses to reach the tilted wheelchair. I winced and groaned to the pain that was surfacing on the fresh wound on the upper left shoulder. Bits of sweat dripped down my head and I felt the dryness on my lips. Just then, I heard the sound of keys, it must be my neighbor. I wanted to shout out loud to ask him to come over, but the cut on my lips were tremendously painful. I started crying, crying real loud to attract attention, thus he came over. I was delighted to see him, he is a helpful soul. Whenever my dad comes home to make a fuss out of everything, he would come over to help whenever he hears me screaming or crying. “Tess, are you alright? Let me carry you to your wheelchair” he said calmly and put his hands carefully on me so as to prevent his hand from touching the fresh wounds. He then went back to his home and came back with a bottle of alcohol and some cotton wool. I felt the burning sensation of the alcohol as it sterilizes my wounds and made weird noises or even screamed out loud.
“Thanks a lot Con, I’m alright already, you may leave, I’ll just clear these…” “I’m staying here to help you clear these mess first, go back to your room now. This is an order!” he said and started giggling a little. He was always like that, acting as a commander and making me sit around whilst he does the clearing up. I rolled the wheelchair to proceed to my room. My room had paper cranes hanging all over the ceilings --- they were made by my classmates --- and there is a small window just at the corner of the mattress. The floor is bloodstained as my dad would always drag me into my room and throw his tantrum by throwing objects at me. As a handicap, I was helpless and could do nothing to stop him. If I did, he would abuse my mum instead. “Tess! I’m leaving already! Take care alright!” he shouted so as to ensure I could hear him – of course I could, my room had no door but a curtain. I went to the cardboard – that was my table – and did my homework. In Hungary, we learnt basic things. For a grade 8 like me, we do basic mathematics like what’s the volume of cuboids and how you find the area of a triangle. My favorite subject is science. I love science a lot and I aspire to be a professional doctor or an astronaut. I know it’s impossible for a handicap like me to aspire for such a goal, but people always say “nothing is impossible”. Thus, I would strive hard to achieve such a goal. I would.
Chapter 3
The rays of the sun reflected the deep cracks engraved on the wall that was as black as charcoal. I woke up frowning as both the pupil of my eyes tried frantically to open, due to the fact that the sunlight was glaring. I could feel the warmth of the sun burning into the wound on my face like a laser cutting a diamond. I changed into my worn out uniform that has been worned by many people. From my friends to their relatives and then to me.
I entered my mother's room to check her condition. "MUM!" i screamed out of my lungs. "MUM! Oh no! MUM! No!" i was panicking. My mind was blank. I didn't know what to do ; where to go. I saw her head lying on the floor, her body on the bed. I was frightened. So frightened. "MUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" I dropped lifelessly onto the hard ground. I just stared, i stared and stared. I couldn't believe my eyes. My mum, my lovely and innocent mum who dedicated her whole life for me when i was younger, she was killed. Killed by someone. Killed by my own family member. My father.
5 days later, i was still staring. Not at my mother, but at the walls of the mentally disabled hospital. I was admitted there. It was terrible. It made me feel worse. I didn't know what to do. With the one that i loved with my whole life dead, i didn't know what to do. I gave up hope. I didn't want to carry on living in this horrifying world. I have decided. I want to die.
I plucked off the tubes and needles attached to my veins. I ran as fast as i could. I ran till it was blur. I ran and ran, i didn't stop. I stepped on sharped glass pieces that was on the ground. I didn't care. I just ran till i reached the rooftop. I looked down the 8 story building and started to tear. It was scary yet, i felt a sense of relief that all this were about to end. But then, i suddenly heard my mum's sweet voice "Tess..no you don't. Tess. No you don't. Tess, you can't. Tess, you said you love me. Tess, you love me, don't you? Tess oh Tess!" . I suddenly felt chilly. Probably that was just a hallucination, yes, i'm a dying person anyway. "Ha!" i laughed to myself. Just before i jumped, i made a wish. " I wished that i could soar down like an eagle, ever so flawless in its movement and die in style" .
Chapter 4
I jumped. It was smooth and flawless just like the eagle. The wind was smooth. I felt great. If this could be forever. Strange enough, i never felt the ground. I waited and waited but i have never felt it. People say that if you sucide, you would become an awful creature as your body splits up into different things.
To my amazement, i woke up.
